Paranoia

We've all been "paranoid" from time to time, often as a result of being tied. But why do we feel this way – why does our capacity to rationalise a situation become irrational?

Well again, let's consider why this emotion is even necessary and as before, let's go back in time.

If you are tired you are less able to react to danger, you may not be able to run away as fast or for as long, in other words, your performance is sub-optimal.

Your body wants you to survive so nature created a clever emotion to reduce the chances of you encountering risk while in a sub-optimal state; called paranoia. You will perceive risk which may be less likely simply because your body is less capable of dealing with something that could possibly arise.

Obviously current times you are never likely to be chased by a tiger, so paranoia leads us to perceive risk in other ways. You may perceive your career as poor, your romantic relationships as failing or friendships dwindling. Paranoia makes us negative – and because our lives are not at stake it is often best to simply ignore thoughts that are the result of you being run down and tired.

A rule that works for me; if the outcomes of your thoughts feel negative, ignore those ideas. Then, in a few days time when you are rested reconsider – often the problem which you originally perceived no longer feels like a problem.

And remember; if you drank alcohol the previous day this has a propensity in most people to bring out a degree of paranoia while your body copes with achieving its equilibrium.

Main points

• If the repercussions of our actions subsequent to our choices feel good we'll make that choice more often. If they feel bad, we'll tend to avoid that choice.

Drivers

Men (and many women) are driven by a need to feel important, to have status. And this need is probably associated with sex, because women are often attracted to partners with status. We all want to be unique, distinct but in a "good" way. In fact, our feelings encourage us to feel different.

We all adopt different strategies to achieve status. Some pump iron. Some want to become famous. Others drive big cars. And unfortunately, some carry weapons. The list continues.

Saying that; I'm probably writing this for a desire of importance! Oh well, their goes my altruistic ideals.

Men have a strong emotional driver to have sex. Nothing new there. Women too have a driver to have sex. In fact, although debatable, I have a belief that the act of having sex for men is actually associated with the "importance" driver.

I've had relationships with women that showed me less affection; which often caused me to want more sex. Women that smother me in love often cause me to want less. So it's a paradigm and an annoying one at that. The act of having sex is one that improves your self-perceived status.

Nature wants men to have sex with a lot of partners thus ensuring the survival of the species through gene adaption, and population growth. But the species is not currently at risk of under-population; so this represents another ancient artefact. Nature is a control freak; and wants to ensure we carry out our duties. We struggle to rationalise it, it sometimes fly's in the face of common sense but it's going to make us feel pretty crap if we don't work out want to do.

This is one reason why one-night-stands normally are only that. After the "sex" bit is out of the way, the Man has no reason to spend any more time with the women. It may sound callous, but it's just how we feel, although many don't like feeling it!

Obviously a successful relationship should enable the Man to get to know the Women; by finding their companionship enjoyable (excluding sex), when the "sex" thing is done, something exists for the couple to want to see each other again.

Women have known the strategy to protect against this. "Do not sleep with him on the first date!"

So an important driver is to gain status (respected, entertaining, rich, famous, brainy, loved, popular, well endowered, muscular…etc.).

Checks & Balances

Most successful interrelationships whether friendships, partnerships, kinships or a sexual relationship are balanced.

Imagine it as a set of scales. The relationship needs to help us achieve our emotional "drivers".

There is an irony here that affects both sexes. Although we want to feel important we don't have 100% confidence in our own opinions. So someone that doesn't resist our requests, or debate our opinions is someone we are likely to loose respect for – after all, how can we be right all the time! This weakens our opinion of them, and in so doing leaves us feeling we are in a relationship with a weaker person making us feel "less important". This can lead to break-ups, because we want to feel "more important".

So in a relationship it is very important for both parties to maintain their individuality. Men are particularly bad a "taking criticism", often apologising for something they are uncertain about. This strategy can be a slippery slope. Relationships can end not because someone was nasty, but often because someone was too nice. It doesn't matter which way the scales fall.

If you are uncertain then silence is sometimes best. Silence forces people to reconsider and can add those important seconds to a heated debate giving people time to calm down before the situation escalates. But, as with anything, silence also comes with a caveat.

Arguments can revolve around the fact the man is too silent about his emotions; many women have spent their entire lives practising their ability to articulate their feelings and reading about others leading them to approach such discussions with confidence; sometimes over-confidence.

Men, on the other hand, have spent little time talking about such matters. We are reluctant to talk about things we are uncertain, so women should handle us with kid gloves when approaching such topics. We need to find our own ways of articulating our emotions just as women have. Otherwise we will only feel "bullied" and less inclined to listen. We all sometimes need a helping hand.

Although women should remember that despite a wealth of magazines and books talking about emotions and relationships (and some now for men – although most focus on sex) they all have contradictory information. There are very few absolutes in relationships. People have had different upbringings, lived different lives, have different abilities.

The person best qualified to make decisions about your relationship is the person who knows the most about it. Not friends or family, not magazines or newspapers, and not your stars or biorhythms, but you and your partner. It is your responsibility, no one else's. Of course you can talk to others to share your feelings so you don't feel alone, but talking to others to seek their advice can be a risky business – take any such gleamed information with a "pinch of salt".

Remember that people generally have a prevalence to take the easy route, sometimes not the right one. The better you become at making the right decisions in your life the happier you will be.

Relationships

One problem in relationships is that many men are not themselves. This may be for a number of reasons. They may think they are so lucky to be with their partner that simply being their boring-old-self is not sufficient to keep them. Or they may have made an extra effort at the beginning of the relationship which ended up defining the ongoing dynamics, making it difficult to change.

And no one likes being someone else for too long, in fact, its quite difficult; so the repercussions are more visits to the pub with friends and at worst, more bad-mouthing your partner behind their back.

Congruency is a very important factor in a relationship. It is the association between the attributes that define you. How you look, your actions, what you say. They all should be aligned. And people have a subconscious but inbuilt ability in validate this in others.

Your partner will subconsciously read these messages. And they will "feel" something as clearly as if you'd spoken it. You may say "I love you", but if your actions don't you'll only cause confusion in your partners head – something won't add up. And confusion all too often leads to arguments as they attempt to reconcile these incongruence's.

In fact, I once went on a leadership training course which lasted 6 months. I expected to be taught how to read body language, how to get people to do as I asked. But was surprised by the focus of the course, be yourself?

"Be myself", I thought. Why would anyone follow me? I'm not special.

That was when I realised that people follow people that are themselves. Obviously you should educate yourself to make appropriate decisions in your life, especially if people depend upon you. But you should always be yourself.

It's a tough challenge as most people are surrounded by people in the same predicament; all of whom exaggerate or distort situations because they too believe they can't be themselves.

There is obviously a small caveat with this. If you are frequently rude to people, this is not encouragement to continue that behaviour. So being yourself should be a choice you make which does not have negative repercussions to others. If anything, being honest about your life and your feelings often encourages others to follow. As a man, I find that honesty is best as long as it's not "needy". So share your thoughts but not to the extent of being a burden.

I've been in relationships where I wasn't myself and it wasn't great. I've been in relationships where I was myself, but my partner just didn't "get me". Should I have changed? Should she have changed? Depending on your circumstances the best option is for two people to be themselves with each other, and "get" each other.

If you are frequently getting shouted at or otherwise told-off and you don't know why – you've found someone who doesn't understand you. I was in this situation, I think it could have been related to the fact that I have a brother and sister; she was an only child; so the dynamics we where both used to were very different. My family never shuts up, and hers is far quieter.

So the right person is likely to have had a similar upbringing to you. You'd be surprised about the volume of ambiguities that come from a discussion between two people who have been brought up completely different. It's not irreconcilable, just requires more patience.

Be careful of the past

If you start a new relationship be careful of digging into someone's past. Everyone makes mistakes and tries to learn from them – but should you fill you heard with facts about someone's past you run the risk of dealing with situations based on the information you have discovered.

Break ups

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end", Ursula Le Guin

You feel crap. You can't eat. You just can't get rid of a rotten feeling in your stomach, a type of anticipation which feels like it will never end.

Sounds familiar? The odds are you've broken-up with someone you "fancied". Or to be a little more clinical, you've broken up with someone you wanted to have sex with.

In the past you have probably lost friends and although upsetting it doesn't come with quite as hard a punch as a relationship break-up.

But what is the point of feeling like this. Why do our bodies put us through such hardships when all we want is the feeling to go away?

It's worthwhile remembering the sections on population and evolution as they are going to be relevant here.

We feel what we feel because of the lives our ancestors lived many years ago. Because of the environment our bodies have been designed to occupy.

So let's look at likely scenario from years past. You live with a small group of people, say 30. The majority are women (Men get killed more frequently). Of those women only about 5 are of child-bearing age and one of those is your partner.

What do you think would happen if you broke up? What would be your chances of getting another "mate" from the 4 available? How many of the women would actually want to become your partner after you went out with their friend?

Nature wants you to reproduce. But in this scenario you're going to find it very hard. The consequence of this is a feeling of discomfort to encourage you to sort out the situation. And that is what you feel.

But today, the small group of 30 people is 200,000 people. If you get dumped you could find someone else tomorrow if you really wanted to. It is still a sad situation but the pain we endure by no means is in proportion to the difficulty to reproduce. Perhaps in thousands of years to come people will no longer feel the same pain?

How to make it better

• Don't rely on alcohol (or other drugs). It may feel like it helps at first but you are only delaying a worse feeling in the morning.
• If you do insist on drinking; delete your ex-partners phone numbers from your mobile – drunken messages will only make you paranoid when you remember what you said.
• Expect the healing process to take time. No matter what you do you're unlikely to shake the feeling quickly. In fact, the irony is that the more you think about trying to get rid of the feeling, the longer you are likely to feel it. Try and put it out of your head. And remember – we've all been there at times in our lives.
• Try not to feel angry. Feeding anger only perpetuates your emotions. Try to accept the situation. (this includes refraining from bad-mouthing them in the pub with your friends. If you do talk about it, remember that you are not showing your friends a video of the events, but an already interpreted version – so you are only likely to get agreement)
• Get used to doing things on your own; buy some good books, buy some new computer games. Your free time will always feel extensive at the beginning of a break-up, it's normal; you'll naturally fill it in time.
• Play uplifting music – not "I want to die" thrash metal (unless you find that uplifting!). Music is a very powerful mood changer. I know you probably don't want to. Don't be a slave to your emotions – do what you believe will cheer you up. Don't wallow in self-pity.
• Hide/store reminders because any reminder will now be painful.
• Be careful about talking to everyone and anyone. There is always a temptation to spend hours talking to every person you know about what you should do. Although it is nice to share your feelings so you don't feel alone, be careful about asking for advice – many people give advice without thinking too hard about your own particular circumstances, and you'll only cherry pick the suggestions that you want to do anyway (possibly the things you shouldn't do).
• Join a gym, go jogging, or go swimming. Exercise will make you feel better, It helps keep your mind off negative things, and keeps you healthy, and will make you look better. And don't worry about doing it on your own. You'll probably find that your emotions help you to perform a better work-out. So when you feel better about things you'll look great too.
• Get over your feelings before you start a new relationship. Commonly people jump straight into a new "comfort" relationship without realising that those first few months often define the on-going dynamics. Yes; it makes you feel better. But if you are not-you because of a break-up, then you may find it difficult to ever be-you in the new relationship if you start seeing them too quickly.
• Ensure you are eating properly because it's possible to get confused with the discomfort/pain of a breakup and that of hunger. Force yourself to eat something – when I've been there I've favoured a banana.
• Unless you are certain there is a misunderstanding, don't perpetuate the issue by attempting to "get back" with each other; it rarely leads to a successful relationship, and often ends up with you feeling like you wished you never tried.
• Remember it is normally the emotions that have decided a relationship isn't working, that the feelings aren't right. Unfortunately when discussing matters you are talking to the intellect which has little control over the emotions.
• When you wake up in the morning – GET OUT OF BED. This is prime "feeling sorry for yourself" time. Unless you're having a good dream, do something useful.
• Plan your weekends. Not around strategies for getting back with them. But meeting friends. Catching up with family. Reading. Going to the gym. Even better; try something you've never tried before. Widen your horizons.
• Keep your self-respect, don't grovel or beg (or spy). It often leads to further rejection which only makes it feel worse. In fact; it's tantamount to gambling. You end up putting more on the table, lose it, and then continue to play only to get back what you've just put down. Of course, the odds are never in your favour so the cycle continues until you end up with nothing. Not a good place to find yourself.
• Keep your mind on other things. The longer you don't think about it, the easier it is for your brain to start forgetting the painful stuff; in time you can look back and smile.
• If it's really bad, take a holiday.
• You have learned a lot as a result of your relationship; information which will make you better suited to the person you will eventually end up with. Experiences both good and bad are rungs of a ladder. The consequences of them help us make better decisions in future.
• And Remember. A failed relationship does not mean there is anything wrong with you. People are different. It isn't anyone's fault. There is a match for you out there – just enjoy the process of finding them.

Love

What the hell is it? This one has had me thinking for a very long time.

It is a word. It is applied to a lot of things. It's often used inappropriately.

It is applied to our pets, our friends, our family, and to our partner. But our feelings towards each of these groups is different.

But what does it actually mean. What should we feel when we use this word. How do we know we are in "love"?

The emotional, gut-feeling, side is driven partly by biological compatibility. Some scientific studies have concluded we can actual detect compatibility through the scent of the other person (natural scent, not their perfume).

So how do we find our ideal partner – our "soul mate"?

Everyone is different, but there are a few components that affect your choice of partners.

• Your parent's relationship
• The "biological" compatibility
• The intellectual compatibility
• Societies compatibility
• Loneliness

Your parent's

It is very important to make the right choice in relationships. If you make too many compromises your children will be confused about relationships. But why is this?

We have an inbuilt template for a relationship forged by our parents through the years we spent living with them. If you grow up to be exactly like your father, you'll probably find that your match is like your mother. This isn't nepotism. But you making a choice based on the information you have available. And your children will do the same.

If you make too many compromises it becomes increasingly difficult for your children to reconcile the choice of partner you made and why. They will end up feeling conflicted towards relationships – and possibly stay single longer, showing a degree of uncertainty about relationships.

If you are unlike your father; perhaps your life took you on another path, you may have left home at a young age, or you pushed yourself to overcome some character traits of your father. You are left in a bit of a predicament. Because the person you will naturally gravitate towards will not necessarily feel right.

Children, like anyone, learn through cause and effect. And the demonstration of love needs to be clear. If you are uncertain, your demonstrations of affections will be erratic, leaving any spectators of the relationship confused.

So how do you know? Well; if you find a large number of your friends are confused by your relationship, and you're not becoming a completely different person when their backs are turned, it's very likely that any children from your relationship will too be confused.

Biology

Ever got close to someone and suddenly felt very attracted to them? Unknowingly it is their scent that has triggered something. This is biology. You can't control it. Obviously perfumes can confuse this process a little. But in Mother Nature's terms, you're biologically compatible, or you're not.

Various scientific studies have concluded that biological compatibility is related to the product of you mating with a partner. We all have faults in our genes which can be exacerbated through reproducing with someone with the same faults. So our biology encourages us to minimise this risk by finding a mate who's "faults" don't match ours.

It's all in the nose.

Intellectual compatibility

Your partner may be gorgeous but can you be yourself with them? You may feel that you're lucky to have them but if they are right for you then you should be able to be you. A good relationship should be a meeting of minds, not just bodies. And you should find the way they think stimulating.

Intellectual compatibility should also make you happy. And remember that happiness is relative – in other words happiness at the beginning of a relationship may have been laughs every day, happiness may become a laugh once a month. People feel sad when they experience negative change, but their range of emotions changes to meet the maximums and minimums of their current situation. So when I say you should be happy, perhaps more accurately you should have some laughs but generally be content.

At the beginning of a relationship both partners make an effort; but people will eventually move towards being themselves. Your life should be better because of your partner. Your partner should try to understand you, and you them. It should be a two way process.

Remember that intellectual compatibility doesn't mean you both have got your Mensa membership. But they add a dimension to the things that you think about. Perhaps adding an angle you would have never considered. Their needs to be mutual respect.

There is another thing to consider here, your own personal development. You need to "find yourself" and know who you are. Many people change considerably right up to their thirties and beyond. They may seem the same outwardly. But their mind has changed. And the right partner when you are 18 may not be the right one when you are 30.

There is no hard and fast rule. The partner you find at 18 may be the right one. The only guidance I can offer here is what sort of person are you?

If you have aspirations of running your own business, want to travel to Africa to support aid workers, or otherwise plan on "changing your life" then it's important that your partner has a similar objective or understands yours, otherwise when your environment changes so will your mind, which can add pressure to a relationship.

At the end of the day you and your partner are a team. And it is both peoples responsibility to respect each other, show empathy and make the relationship fun.

Societies compatibility

Selfish as it sounds; people want other people to think more of them as a result of their choice of partner. You don't simply buy a car to drive from A to B. You get a particular one because you think it makes you look better. People crave status.

There are countless examples of societies "ideal women" changing over time. In the Victorian era voluptuous women were seen as the most beautiful, one reason why many paintings produced during this period depict such women. It is suggested that this is partly due to it demonstrating health (being well fed). The poor (and hungry) where the skinny ones.

In contrast look at today. It is the six foot tall skinny super models that are considered beautiful. And men strive to get one.

So society (partially through advertising) defines who is "beautiful" by suggesting we will be revered if we have one. Perhaps at times we feel that someone we are very fond of is not ideal because we are being subservient to the demands of society. Societies influence is often greatest when we are young and trying to fit it.

Of course if you find someone that has been beautiful all their life you may notice something else; they will probably be less developed in certain areas – they haven't had to try too hard because the people around them do the "trying". So an interesting paradigm can be that some very beautiful people can be a little dull.

At the end of the day its best to ignore the fickle, consumer driven, push from society. Big or thin, tall or short, find someone that makes you happy.

It is very unlikely you will be able to tick all the boxes and neither should you hope to. Remember the ideal person may be far from what you imagined – after all, there are a lot of influences on you which know nothing about you. So do what's right for you.

Loneliness

Not so much as being a dimension to affect a choice, but more about a chronological event which causes you to compromise.

I remember being in a relationship where I did many things with my partner, watched TV together, went shopping together, went to meet friends together. I didn't feel lonely; in fact at times I wanted my own space. But then I found myself with my own space. Of course, you often don't realise just how much space you receive when you are no longer in a relationship.

I found myself having to force myself to correctly contextualise my situation. One moment I thought "this is great, sitting here reading my book not a worry in the world" and I felt happy, then my mind played a little trick on me and without affecting my environment, changed the context of my situation "I'm here reading my book because I've nothing else to do", and I felt lonely. I had to struggle with myself to keep myself positive.

Those moments of inactivity allow the brain to wander. Brains like to think about problems so they can be fixed, frustratingly they don't like focusing on the reasons why you should be joyous, so it doesn't take long before you are contemplating your solitude which is often accompanied by a sizable portion of the "loneliness" emotion. It is peculiar how you can perform exactly the same action with a person sat next to you, a cat sat on your lap or a dog at your feet, and that feeling goes away! I can understand nature wanting us to be with other people, but why does a different species satisfy the requirement?

Cascading relationships

Young men (mid-thirties is also young in my book) often frequent the pub with friends, look and talk about women and sport, and make the occasional drunken effort at chat-ups. But when one in the group finds love it can cause a chain reaction. A fear that those left without partners will be looking alone without the support of their friends. Within months virtually everyone in the group has a partner.

These types of group relationships instigated by a "group leader" settling down often come unstuck when the "group leader" becomes single again. At which point the same effect occurs in the opposite direction – everyone becomes single.

The going-out dichotomy

Be careful about filling your time with attempting to find a mate. Many men, especially young men, spend a considerable amount of time out "on the pull". Although this can be a pleasurable pursuit it can lead to problems when you eventually find someone you like.

Simply ask yourself the question that if all the "pulling" activities were removed from your life-style, what would remain? And is the remaining sufficient to develop your new life-style when you meet the right partner?

Firstly lets remind ourselves that when the brain is bored it thinks of the things it wants to fix, potentially leading to feelings of paranoia or unhappiness.

In a life-style focused on finding a partner you will be left with very little to do when you do actually find your partner. If you happen to want to find someone who is independent and has their own life you may find that you do not.

If you haven't developed your own "non-pulling" interests, you may find yourself getting bored with too much time to think about what your partner is doing. Possibly damaging what may otherwise be a good relationship.

Try and encourage your friends to play a sport, pop round theirs for a coffee and a chat, join a club, get a new qualification, learn a new language…..the world has a lot to offer the person who is happy to accept it.

Emotional Rhythms

Monday's child is fair of face. Tuesday's child is full of grace. Wednesday's child is full of woe. Thursday's child has far to go. Friday's child is loving and giving. Saturday's child works hard for a living, But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.

Is there any truth to character traits assigned by the day you were born? Irrespective to birth-dates having an affect there definitely is a behavioural pattern, probably learnt through our own behaviour.

It is easy to accept that we have become accustomed to going to bed at a set time, waking up at a set time. If we forget to set our alarm our eyes still flicker open within minutes of our normal waking time. Our body adapts to patterns.

But are our patterns limited to daily cycles? I believe they can also be weekly. Many people socialise at weekends, back to work on Mondays and with this repetitive behaviour comes an emotional rhythm, beating synchronously with the passing days of the week.

Obviously boozy weekends have an adverse effect on this rhythm too. But without alcohol people often "feel" differently from day to day.

Tuesday seems to be the day where I feel unduly negative, and by Thursday I'm a different person. Perhaps all those years of binge drinking at weekends has left its mark? But knowing these patterns exist helps me moderate my responses to situations. It also helps me ignore feelings which otherwise I may act upon – only to regret when Thursday comes around.