Relationships

One problem in relationships is that many men are not themselves. This may be for a number of reasons. They may think they are so lucky to be with their partner that simply being their boring-old-self is not sufficient to keep them. Or they may have made an extra effort at the beginning of the relationship which ended up defining the ongoing dynamics, making it difficult to change.

And no one likes being someone else for too long, in fact, its quite difficult; so the repercussions are more visits to the pub with friends and at worst, more bad-mouthing your partner behind their back.

Congruency is a very important factor in a relationship. It is the association between the attributes that define you. How you look, your actions, what you say. They all should be aligned. And people have a subconscious but inbuilt ability in validate this in others.

Your partner will subconsciously read these messages. And they will "feel" something as clearly as if you'd spoken it. You may say "I love you", but if your actions don't you'll only cause confusion in your partners head – something won't add up. And confusion all too often leads to arguments as they attempt to reconcile these incongruence's.

In fact, I once went on a leadership training course which lasted 6 months. I expected to be taught how to read body language, how to get people to do as I asked. But was surprised by the focus of the course, be yourself?

"Be myself", I thought. Why would anyone follow me? I'm not special.

That was when I realised that people follow people that are themselves. Obviously you should educate yourself to make appropriate decisions in your life, especially if people depend upon you. But you should always be yourself.

It's a tough challenge as most people are surrounded by people in the same predicament; all of whom exaggerate or distort situations because they too believe they can't be themselves.

There is obviously a small caveat with this. If you are frequently rude to people, this is not encouragement to continue that behaviour. So being yourself should be a choice you make which does not have negative repercussions to others. If anything, being honest about your life and your feelings often encourages others to follow. As a man, I find that honesty is best as long as it's not "needy". So share your thoughts but not to the extent of being a burden.

I've been in relationships where I wasn't myself and it wasn't great. I've been in relationships where I was myself, but my partner just didn't "get me". Should I have changed? Should she have changed? Depending on your circumstances the best option is for two people to be themselves with each other, and "get" each other.

If you are frequently getting shouted at or otherwise told-off and you don't know why – you've found someone who doesn't understand you. I was in this situation, I think it could have been related to the fact that I have a brother and sister; she was an only child; so the dynamics we where both used to were very different. My family never shuts up, and hers is far quieter.

So the right person is likely to have had a similar upbringing to you. You'd be surprised about the volume of ambiguities that come from a discussion between two people who have been brought up completely different. It's not irreconcilable, just requires more patience.

Be careful of the past

If you start a new relationship be careful of digging into someone's past. Everyone makes mistakes and tries to learn from them – but should you fill you heard with facts about someone's past you run the risk of dealing with situations based on the information you have discovered.

Break ups

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end", Ursula Le Guin

You feel crap. You can't eat. You just can't get rid of a rotten feeling in your stomach, a type of anticipation which feels like it will never end.

Sounds familiar? The odds are you've broken-up with someone you "fancied". Or to be a little more clinical, you've broken up with someone you wanted to have sex with.

In the past you have probably lost friends and although upsetting it doesn't come with quite as hard a punch as a relationship break-up.

But what is the point of feeling like this. Why do our bodies put us through such hardships when all we want is the feeling to go away?

It's worthwhile remembering the sections on population and evolution as they are going to be relevant here.

We feel what we feel because of the lives our ancestors lived many years ago. Because of the environment our bodies have been designed to occupy.

So let's look at likely scenario from years past. You live with a small group of people, say 30. The majority are women (Men get killed more frequently). Of those women only about 5 are of child-bearing age and one of those is your partner.

What do you think would happen if you broke up? What would be your chances of getting another "mate" from the 4 available? How many of the women would actually want to become your partner after you went out with their friend?

Nature wants you to reproduce. But in this scenario you're going to find it very hard. The consequence of this is a feeling of discomfort to encourage you to sort out the situation. And that is what you feel.

But today, the small group of 30 people is 200,000 people. If you get dumped you could find someone else tomorrow if you really wanted to. It is still a sad situation but the pain we endure by no means is in proportion to the difficulty to reproduce. Perhaps in thousands of years to come people will no longer feel the same pain?

How to make it better

• Don't rely on alcohol (or other drugs). It may feel like it helps at first but you are only delaying a worse feeling in the morning.
• If you do insist on drinking; delete your ex-partners phone numbers from your mobile – drunken messages will only make you paranoid when you remember what you said.
• Expect the healing process to take time. No matter what you do you're unlikely to shake the feeling quickly. In fact, the irony is that the more you think about trying to get rid of the feeling, the longer you are likely to feel it. Try and put it out of your head. And remember – we've all been there at times in our lives.
• Try not to feel angry. Feeding anger only perpetuates your emotions. Try to accept the situation. (this includes refraining from bad-mouthing them in the pub with your friends. If you do talk about it, remember that you are not showing your friends a video of the events, but an already interpreted version – so you are only likely to get agreement)
• Get used to doing things on your own; buy some good books, buy some new computer games. Your free time will always feel extensive at the beginning of a break-up, it's normal; you'll naturally fill it in time.
• Play uplifting music – not "I want to die" thrash metal (unless you find that uplifting!). Music is a very powerful mood changer. I know you probably don't want to. Don't be a slave to your emotions – do what you believe will cheer you up. Don't wallow in self-pity.
• Hide/store reminders because any reminder will now be painful.
• Be careful about talking to everyone and anyone. There is always a temptation to spend hours talking to every person you know about what you should do. Although it is nice to share your feelings so you don't feel alone, be careful about asking for advice – many people give advice without thinking too hard about your own particular circumstances, and you'll only cherry pick the suggestions that you want to do anyway (possibly the things you shouldn't do).
• Join a gym, go jogging, or go swimming. Exercise will make you feel better, It helps keep your mind off negative things, and keeps you healthy, and will make you look better. And don't worry about doing it on your own. You'll probably find that your emotions help you to perform a better work-out. So when you feel better about things you'll look great too.
• Get over your feelings before you start a new relationship. Commonly people jump straight into a new "comfort" relationship without realising that those first few months often define the on-going dynamics. Yes; it makes you feel better. But if you are not-you because of a break-up, then you may find it difficult to ever be-you in the new relationship if you start seeing them too quickly.
• Ensure you are eating properly because it's possible to get confused with the discomfort/pain of a breakup and that of hunger. Force yourself to eat something – when I've been there I've favoured a banana.
• Unless you are certain there is a misunderstanding, don't perpetuate the issue by attempting to "get back" with each other; it rarely leads to a successful relationship, and often ends up with you feeling like you wished you never tried.
• Remember it is normally the emotions that have decided a relationship isn't working, that the feelings aren't right. Unfortunately when discussing matters you are talking to the intellect which has little control over the emotions.
• When you wake up in the morning – GET OUT OF BED. This is prime "feeling sorry for yourself" time. Unless you're having a good dream, do something useful.
• Plan your weekends. Not around strategies for getting back with them. But meeting friends. Catching up with family. Reading. Going to the gym. Even better; try something you've never tried before. Widen your horizons.
• Keep your self-respect, don't grovel or beg (or spy). It often leads to further rejection which only makes it feel worse. In fact; it's tantamount to gambling. You end up putting more on the table, lose it, and then continue to play only to get back what you've just put down. Of course, the odds are never in your favour so the cycle continues until you end up with nothing. Not a good place to find yourself.
• Keep your mind on other things. The longer you don't think about it, the easier it is for your brain to start forgetting the painful stuff; in time you can look back and smile.
• If it's really bad, take a holiday.
• You have learned a lot as a result of your relationship; information which will make you better suited to the person you will eventually end up with. Experiences both good and bad are rungs of a ladder. The consequences of them help us make better decisions in future.
• And Remember. A failed relationship does not mean there is anything wrong with you. People are different. It isn't anyone's fault. There is a match for you out there – just enjoy the process of finding them.