Checks & Balances

Most successful interrelationships whether friendships, partnerships, kinships or a sexual relationship are balanced.

Imagine it as a set of scales. The relationship needs to help us achieve our emotional "drivers".

There is an irony here that affects both sexes. Although we want to feel important we don't have 100% confidence in our own opinions. So someone that doesn't resist our requests, or debate our opinions is someone we are likely to loose respect for – after all, how can we be right all the time! This weakens our opinion of them, and in so doing leaves us feeling we are in a relationship with a weaker person making us feel "less important". This can lead to break-ups, because we want to feel "more important".

So in a relationship it is very important for both parties to maintain their individuality. Men are particularly bad a "taking criticism", often apologising for something they are uncertain about. This strategy can be a slippery slope. Relationships can end not because someone was nasty, but often because someone was too nice. It doesn't matter which way the scales fall.

If you are uncertain then silence is sometimes best. Silence forces people to reconsider and can add those important seconds to a heated debate giving people time to calm down before the situation escalates. But, as with anything, silence also comes with a caveat.

Arguments can revolve around the fact the man is too silent about his emotions; many women have spent their entire lives practising their ability to articulate their feelings and reading about others leading them to approach such discussions with confidence; sometimes over-confidence.

Men, on the other hand, have spent little time talking about such matters. We are reluctant to talk about things we are uncertain, so women should handle us with kid gloves when approaching such topics. We need to find our own ways of articulating our emotions just as women have. Otherwise we will only feel "bullied" and less inclined to listen. We all sometimes need a helping hand.

Although women should remember that despite a wealth of magazines and books talking about emotions and relationships (and some now for men – although most focus on sex) they all have contradictory information. There are very few absolutes in relationships. People have had different upbringings, lived different lives, have different abilities.

The person best qualified to make decisions about your relationship is the person who knows the most about it. Not friends or family, not magazines or newspapers, and not your stars or biorhythms, but you and your partner. It is your responsibility, no one else's. Of course you can talk to others to share your feelings so you don't feel alone, but talking to others to seek their advice can be a risky business – take any such gleamed information with a "pinch of salt".

Remember that people generally have a prevalence to take the easy route, sometimes not the right one. The better you become at making the right decisions in your life the happier you will be.