Love

What the hell is it? This one has had me thinking for a very long time.

It is a word. It is applied to a lot of things. It's often used inappropriately.

It is applied to our pets, our friends, our family, and to our partner. But our feelings towards each of these groups is different.

But what does it actually mean. What should we feel when we use this word. How do we know we are in "love"?

The emotional, gut-feeling, side is driven partly by biological compatibility. Some scientific studies have concluded we can actual detect compatibility through the scent of the other person (natural scent, not their perfume).

So how do we find our ideal partner – our "soul mate"?

Everyone is different, but there are a few components that affect your choice of partners.

• Your parent's relationship
• The "biological" compatibility
• The intellectual compatibility
• Societies compatibility
• Loneliness

Your parent's

It is very important to make the right choice in relationships. If you make too many compromises your children will be confused about relationships. But why is this?

We have an inbuilt template for a relationship forged by our parents through the years we spent living with them. If you grow up to be exactly like your father, you'll probably find that your match is like your mother. This isn't nepotism. But you making a choice based on the information you have available. And your children will do the same.

If you make too many compromises it becomes increasingly difficult for your children to reconcile the choice of partner you made and why. They will end up feeling conflicted towards relationships – and possibly stay single longer, showing a degree of uncertainty about relationships.

If you are unlike your father; perhaps your life took you on another path, you may have left home at a young age, or you pushed yourself to overcome some character traits of your father. You are left in a bit of a predicament. Because the person you will naturally gravitate towards will not necessarily feel right.

Children, like anyone, learn through cause and effect. And the demonstration of love needs to be clear. If you are uncertain, your demonstrations of affections will be erratic, leaving any spectators of the relationship confused.

So how do you know? Well; if you find a large number of your friends are confused by your relationship, and you're not becoming a completely different person when their backs are turned, it's very likely that any children from your relationship will too be confused.

Biology

Ever got close to someone and suddenly felt very attracted to them? Unknowingly it is their scent that has triggered something. This is biology. You can't control it. Obviously perfumes can confuse this process a little. But in Mother Nature's terms, you're biologically compatible, or you're not.

Various scientific studies have concluded that biological compatibility is related to the product of you mating with a partner. We all have faults in our genes which can be exacerbated through reproducing with someone with the same faults. So our biology encourages us to minimise this risk by finding a mate who's "faults" don't match ours.

It's all in the nose.

Intellectual compatibility

Your partner may be gorgeous but can you be yourself with them? You may feel that you're lucky to have them but if they are right for you then you should be able to be you. A good relationship should be a meeting of minds, not just bodies. And you should find the way they think stimulating.

Intellectual compatibility should also make you happy. And remember that happiness is relative – in other words happiness at the beginning of a relationship may have been laughs every day, happiness may become a laugh once a month. People feel sad when they experience negative change, but their range of emotions changes to meet the maximums and minimums of their current situation. So when I say you should be happy, perhaps more accurately you should have some laughs but generally be content.

At the beginning of a relationship both partners make an effort; but people will eventually move towards being themselves. Your life should be better because of your partner. Your partner should try to understand you, and you them. It should be a two way process.

Remember that intellectual compatibility doesn't mean you both have got your Mensa membership. But they add a dimension to the things that you think about. Perhaps adding an angle you would have never considered. Their needs to be mutual respect.

There is another thing to consider here, your own personal development. You need to "find yourself" and know who you are. Many people change considerably right up to their thirties and beyond. They may seem the same outwardly. But their mind has changed. And the right partner when you are 18 may not be the right one when you are 30.

There is no hard and fast rule. The partner you find at 18 may be the right one. The only guidance I can offer here is what sort of person are you?

If you have aspirations of running your own business, want to travel to Africa to support aid workers, or otherwise plan on "changing your life" then it's important that your partner has a similar objective or understands yours, otherwise when your environment changes so will your mind, which can add pressure to a relationship.

At the end of the day you and your partner are a team. And it is both peoples responsibility to respect each other, show empathy and make the relationship fun.

Societies compatibility

Selfish as it sounds; people want other people to think more of them as a result of their choice of partner. You don't simply buy a car to drive from A to B. You get a particular one because you think it makes you look better. People crave status.

There are countless examples of societies "ideal women" changing over time. In the Victorian era voluptuous women were seen as the most beautiful, one reason why many paintings produced during this period depict such women. It is suggested that this is partly due to it demonstrating health (being well fed). The poor (and hungry) where the skinny ones.

In contrast look at today. It is the six foot tall skinny super models that are considered beautiful. And men strive to get one.

So society (partially through advertising) defines who is "beautiful" by suggesting we will be revered if we have one. Perhaps at times we feel that someone we are very fond of is not ideal because we are being subservient to the demands of society. Societies influence is often greatest when we are young and trying to fit it.

Of course if you find someone that has been beautiful all their life you may notice something else; they will probably be less developed in certain areas – they haven't had to try too hard because the people around them do the "trying". So an interesting paradigm can be that some very beautiful people can be a little dull.

At the end of the day its best to ignore the fickle, consumer driven, push from society. Big or thin, tall or short, find someone that makes you happy.

It is very unlikely you will be able to tick all the boxes and neither should you hope to. Remember the ideal person may be far from what you imagined – after all, there are a lot of influences on you which know nothing about you. So do what's right for you.

Loneliness

Not so much as being a dimension to affect a choice, but more about a chronological event which causes you to compromise.

I remember being in a relationship where I did many things with my partner, watched TV together, went shopping together, went to meet friends together. I didn't feel lonely; in fact at times I wanted my own space. But then I found myself with my own space. Of course, you often don't realise just how much space you receive when you are no longer in a relationship.

I found myself having to force myself to correctly contextualise my situation. One moment I thought "this is great, sitting here reading my book not a worry in the world" and I felt happy, then my mind played a little trick on me and without affecting my environment, changed the context of my situation "I'm here reading my book because I've nothing else to do", and I felt lonely. I had to struggle with myself to keep myself positive.

Those moments of inactivity allow the brain to wander. Brains like to think about problems so they can be fixed, frustratingly they don't like focusing on the reasons why you should be joyous, so it doesn't take long before you are contemplating your solitude which is often accompanied by a sizable portion of the "loneliness" emotion. It is peculiar how you can perform exactly the same action with a person sat next to you, a cat sat on your lap or a dog at your feet, and that feeling goes away! I can understand nature wanting us to be with other people, but why does a different species satisfy the requirement?

Cascading relationships

Young men (mid-thirties is also young in my book) often frequent the pub with friends, look and talk about women and sport, and make the occasional drunken effort at chat-ups. But when one in the group finds love it can cause a chain reaction. A fear that those left without partners will be looking alone without the support of their friends. Within months virtually everyone in the group has a partner.

These types of group relationships instigated by a "group leader" settling down often come unstuck when the "group leader" becomes single again. At which point the same effect occurs in the opposite direction – everyone becomes single.