A Man’s Manual (Introduction) - part 1

By Gavin (work in progress)

"A self-aware person will act completely within their capabilities to their pinnacle, while an ignorant person will flounder and encounter difficulty", Socrates

Preface

You get a manual when you purchase your new HI-FI, you receive one when you get a camera – but what's the point? "So you know how to use it". Of course. It's all about ensuring you know what to do when it doesn't do what it's supposed to do, how to fix it, how to get the most out of it.

Mother Nature can be applauded for many achievements, but her ability to write instruction manuals is a definite week point.

So, doing what humans are capable of doing, I'm writing a manual.

I am a man, I try to understand women, I try to understand other men, but the focus of this manual is what it is to be a man. Our "computer", our brain, our emotions are something that eludes many of us. It's damn confusing. It's volatile. And when we popped out of our loving mothers all those years ago, we were never given any lessons on how to use it.

Women generally have had more practise at articulating what they believe is happening. I've even read scientific studies that suggest their "vocal processor" is more advanced than men. But in both sexes a link is still missing. So there may be a difference in the sexes ability to articulate but if there is uncertainty as to what is being articulated it still leads to problems (i.e. arguments). I'll talk more about this later.

If ever there was a case of "the blind leading the blind" it is our current strategy of understanding ourselves. Many people are uncertain but we tend to follow the person who is good at looking most certain, or confident!

So what makes me think I know better? I could say "because I'm a man". But honestly, I don't know that I do. I was born scientifically minded. I was qualified as a software engineer. I even went on to start my own business. But something that has always existed in me is an ability to see a little deeper into things, often too deep. Manifesting itself in a constant need to understand and rationalise.

And this skill/burden/gift has given me a lot of plausible explanations to the lives we all lead.

As I share my thoughts with others I can see how my search for self-understanding is one commonly sought. Perhaps not consciously but we are all faced with times of confrontation and difficult decisions. We all "feel" things we would prefer not to. At times we are confused by what we feel. So this book is a journey into a few plausible reasons why things are as they are.

Introduction

Congratulations. You own the most sophisticated biological machine that, to our knowledge, exists in the entire universe. Featuring more than 630 highly specific muscles, cardiovascular system, central nervous system, digestive system, endocrine system, self replenishing hair (if you're lucky), immune system, integumentary (Skin) system, lymphatic system, peripheral nervous system, reproductive system, respiratory system, skeletal system, Urinary System……etc.

Your machine operates efficiently at about 20 degrees Celsius, but with optional-extras can function in extreme temperatures.

With your machine you can reproduce, ponder the meaning of life, create stuff, and share your knowledge with others and many more exciting functions.

MTBF (Mean Time Before Failure) is largely determinate on ensuring you look after your machine staying within operating normal's, but averages (in the western world) at about 76.9 years. Make them count!

For the purposes of this manual, we will call your machine "the body". The machine also has a highly sophisticated CPU which we shall call, you'll never guess, "the brain".

Let's begin our journey….

Evolution

"Nature does nothing in vain" Aristotle.

Let's start at the beginning. To understand who we are we need to look back. And surprisingly; not too far.

Many species are driven by their emotions; hunger, reproduction and survival to name a few. But humans have developed something unusual. We have become aware of our emotions, we can think about how we feel. We are aware of our feelings. And the irony of the situation; our emotions don't talk to our intellect. So we often are uncertain where our emotional responses originate.

Clearly if someone pinches you, your brain knows where the pain originated. If someone shouts at you, your ears pinpoint the sound source with a great degree of accuracy. But some days you are sitting on a bus and you "feel" depressed and you just can't figure out where that feeling came from!

Mother Nature has a simple strategy which she ingrains on us all. Survive.

Mainly survival as a species, but obviously to achieve this we need to survive as individuals – but only for as long as we are useful in this pursuit.

To survive a changing environment we adapt, our genes make this possible, this has been reasonable effective in the past; especially when you consider historically environments and social structures change very slowly; over many thousands of years.

Our life-spans are relatively short to enable our genes to change. If we lived longer; the adaptation process would take longer as changes in our genes occur when we reproduce and there is a correlation with life-expectancy and birth-rates.

As a result we, as a species, we have been pretty much the same for thousands of years.

It's probably worth while considering how "young" we are as a species. It always amazes me the issues we are currently struggling to resolve; hunger, poverty, poor education, inequality, sexism, racism, ageism and many more. Even in my life-time we've seen widespread acceptance of women as equals, the acceptance of homosexuality. And a better understanding towards people who are different.

It seems farcical that these issues ever existed. We have computers, we are advanced? How can these issues exist? Some problems feel more akin to children fighting at school. And yet in many parts of the world continuing issues exacerbated by people that should know better. But improvements are being made, and while these exceed decline the world should become a better place. (fingers crossed)

Main points

• We are driven by emotions often post-rationalising our emotionally driven actions.
• Emotions and intellect are not connected. You can't directly control your emotions (i.e. why not try to feel angry or loved, you may find yourself trying to imagine a scenario which will provoke an emotion but you can't directly make yourself feel it).

Population

About 10,000 years ago the world population was 1,000,000 (For reference: In London, England today there is about 8 million people!). And now the world population is about 6,500,000,000! (Although by the time you read this it's probably gone up by another couple of million).

Thousands of years ago you might have lived in a village of thirty people, today that same "village" would have 195,000 people! That would fill Wembley stadium twice (with a sizable queue outside).

The majority of the expansion has occurred in the last 2,000 years and as a result it has fundamentally changed everyone's lives. Unfortunately, our genes weren't designed to adapt at that speed. So we are living in an alien environment. Our bodies can deal with, but our minds struggle.

So how does this actually affect us?

Ever felt really upset when you break-up with your girlfriend (or boyfriend)? That horrible pain in your stomach that can take ages to go away? This is one such artefact left over from ancient times. More about this one later.

Main points

• We are the way we are to exist in an environment which for many of us is long since extinct. An environment where we may only meet a small handful of people in our entire lives.

Brain

Brain (Central Processing Unit)

The brain is the most complex organ in the human body. It is the control centre of life. It not only affects and governs everything you do, how you think, feel and act, but what kind of person you are.

Proportionate to body weight, humans have the largest brains among mammals. No animal brain approaches the human brain's capacity for learning, language and thought. But the human brain is not just a super-computer. No computer can dream, fall in love or get bored.

We interpret the world via our senses; we see, we hear, we smell, we touch and we feel.

We are aware of our environment, but there are two ways in which we interpret our environment. We intellectualise it, and emotionalise it and we do this independently of either process.

The emotional part of your brain can see and hear what you do; but you're not aware of its eavesdropping antics. You would probably ignore it if it didn't have a strangle-hold over your feelings which can often lead to confusing situations where you "want" to do one thing, but "feel" you should do something else. i.e. We know we should stand-up and perform a speech or presentation, but we "feel" nervous about doing it.

Both these functions have their unique talents. Your ability to intellectualise a situation also powers your ability to articulate. People quite often mentally talk to themselves; something known as the "inner voice" (don't worry – you're not mad). You can focus on a particular problem and consider it to the dizzy heights to come to a rationale, considered answer which your intellectual brain can explain to others.

The emotional component can process a wide range of different inputs. It generalises massive amounts of data which would overwhelm your ability to "think" it through, and it gives you a "feeling" to guide you towards a solution.

It almost sounds like a form of schizophrenia which we all experience.

Both sides need each other. Often we would be so easily distracted to get any real benefit from our intellectual powers if we didn't have a small but persistent reminder about how we "feel" about something which keeps us focused on the job in hand.

Main points

• There are two ways in which we interpret our environment. We intellectualise it, and emotionalise it and we do this independently of either process.

Memory

What do we remember? To answer that we should consider how we remember.

During our lives we have an incredible number of experiences; the potency of the memory is often associated with the level of emotion associated with the action. We can all remember our first kiss but I doubt we can remember our first maths lesson?

As time passes our memories of the actual event fade leaving us with the emotional footprint. In other words, the majority of the memory becomes emotional – more of a feeling than a video or facsimile of events. And these emotions are associated with our interpretation of the events at the time.

Some people have feuds that run over years; continually fuelled by nothing more than a feeling of injustice as both parties have long forgotten the detail of the event.

We all have a history. Memories of "the one that got away" some associated with regrets and others relief. But all have contributed to our ability to make better decisions about subsequent relationships.

But do our feelings associated with regret offer us any benefit? The simple answer – it's unlikely. Although that doesn't make those feelings go away (I wish it did at times).

I remember watching the Ridley Scott film "Blade Runner" when I was young. I was mesmerised by it although I have to admit I didn't understand a lot of it. I simply hadn't had enough experience of life to relate to particular sequences. As I grew older I maintained the same feelings towards the film. And even when I had the appropriate life experiences my memory of the film was unaltered.

Simply put, my memory of the film had faded, leaving me with a positive feeling. Of course I had bits and pieces of the film in my head, but not enough to mentally replay and re-interpret.

It was only when I watched the film again as an adult that I was able to see it and this time; understand it.

And this is often what can happen when we reflect on the past. So something you remember as being funny then, if it happened now may not be funny. It's all relative to who you where when you had the experience.

Going on holiday is another good example. During your holiday each day passes, you do interesting things but you are living in the "now" and the now feels normal. Only on your return you romanticise the holiday, and on reflection it was an amazing holiday and you wish you could go back! It's all relative. One reason why it's best to live in the "now", because relativity doesn't exist. If you live in the past you rely on the volatility of your brains ability to accurately remember the past – which it doesn't do very well.

So if you have negative feelings about events in the past it's best to remember the relative nature of memories. You are different now. You are older, and wiser. So it's best to look forward, and leave the past in the past.

Tip: Put on some upbeat music. Learn a new language (or act on improving yourself). You will feel better.

Learning

"At birth, a baby is not a person, but a potential person. In order to become a "real" person, the child's inherent potential must be realized. Unhappiness and frustration are caused by the unrealized potential of a person, leading to failed goals and a poor life."Aristotle.

We learn through trial and error.

When we are young there is little that causes us to make one choice over another, we haven't had any experiences. As we age we randomly make choices, some make us feel good, others bad.

The choices which have positive repercussions make us more prevalent to make the same choice again with the opposite occurring for those with negative repercussions.

Imagine your mind as a highway, many roads all linking different locations. When you want to get to a particular location you drive down a motor-way. Sometimes you try alternative routes some of which get you to your destination quicker. So subsequent times you wish to make the same journey you take better, and better routes. The difference in this example is we are using the journey duration as the choice determinate – but with people it is whether it feels good or not, the nature of the brain is every journey is pretty quick.

Obviously we become accustomed to making particular choices long after the "feel good" quotient no longer exists. But our development as we age slowly refines our ability to intellectually fit into our society.

Paranoia

We've all been "paranoid" from time to time, often as a result of being tied. But why do we feel this way – why does our capacity to rationalise a situation become irrational?

Well again, let's consider why this emotion is even necessary and as before, let's go back in time.

If you are tired you are less able to react to danger, you may not be able to run away as fast or for as long, in other words, your performance is sub-optimal.

Your body wants you to survive so nature created a clever emotion to reduce the chances of you encountering risk while in a sub-optimal state; called paranoia. You will perceive risk which may be less likely simply because your body is less capable of dealing with something that could possibly arise.

Obviously current times you are never likely to be chased by a tiger, so paranoia leads us to perceive risk in other ways. You may perceive your career as poor, your romantic relationships as failing or friendships dwindling. Paranoia makes us negative – and because our lives are not at stake it is often best to simply ignore thoughts that are the result of you being run down and tired.

A rule that works for me; if the outcomes of your thoughts feel negative, ignore those ideas. Then, in a few days time when you are rested reconsider – often the problem which you originally perceived no longer feels like a problem.

And remember; if you drank alcohol the previous day this has a propensity in most people to bring out a degree of paranoia while your body copes with achieving its equilibrium.

Main points

• If the repercussions of our actions subsequent to our choices feel good we'll make that choice more often. If they feel bad, we'll tend to avoid that choice.

Drivers

Men (and many women) are driven by a need to feel important, to have status. And this need is probably associated with sex, because women are often attracted to partners with status. We all want to be unique, distinct but in a "good" way. In fact, our feelings encourage us to feel different.

We all adopt different strategies to achieve status. Some pump iron. Some want to become famous. Others drive big cars. And unfortunately, some carry weapons. The list continues.

Saying that; I'm probably writing this for a desire of importance! Oh well, their goes my altruistic ideals.

Men have a strong emotional driver to have sex. Nothing new there. Women too have a driver to have sex. In fact, although debatable, I have a belief that the act of having sex for men is actually associated with the "importance" driver.

I've had relationships with women that showed me less affection; which often caused me to want more sex. Women that smother me in love often cause me to want less. So it's a paradigm and an annoying one at that. The act of having sex is one that improves your self-perceived status.

Nature wants men to have sex with a lot of partners thus ensuring the survival of the species through gene adaption, and population growth. But the species is not currently at risk of under-population; so this represents another ancient artefact. Nature is a control freak; and wants to ensure we carry out our duties. We struggle to rationalise it, it sometimes fly's in the face of common sense but it's going to make us feel pretty crap if we don't work out want to do.

This is one reason why one-night-stands normally are only that. After the "sex" bit is out of the way, the Man has no reason to spend any more time with the women. It may sound callous, but it's just how we feel, although many don't like feeling it!

Obviously a successful relationship should enable the Man to get to know the Women; by finding their companionship enjoyable (excluding sex), when the "sex" thing is done, something exists for the couple to want to see each other again.

Women have known the strategy to protect against this. "Do not sleep with him on the first date!"

So an important driver is to gain status (respected, entertaining, rich, famous, brainy, loved, popular, well endowered, muscular…etc.).

Checks & Balances

Most successful interrelationships whether friendships, partnerships, kinships or a sexual relationship are balanced.

Imagine it as a set of scales. The relationship needs to help us achieve our emotional "drivers".

There is an irony here that affects both sexes. Although we want to feel important we don't have 100% confidence in our own opinions. So someone that doesn't resist our requests, or debate our opinions is someone we are likely to loose respect for – after all, how can we be right all the time! This weakens our opinion of them, and in so doing leaves us feeling we are in a relationship with a weaker person making us feel "less important". This can lead to break-ups, because we want to feel "more important".

So in a relationship it is very important for both parties to maintain their individuality. Men are particularly bad a "taking criticism", often apologising for something they are uncertain about. This strategy can be a slippery slope. Relationships can end not because someone was nasty, but often because someone was too nice. It doesn't matter which way the scales fall.

If you are uncertain then silence is sometimes best. Silence forces people to reconsider and can add those important seconds to a heated debate giving people time to calm down before the situation escalates. But, as with anything, silence also comes with a caveat.

Arguments can revolve around the fact the man is too silent about his emotions; many women have spent their entire lives practising their ability to articulate their feelings and reading about others leading them to approach such discussions with confidence; sometimes over-confidence.

Men, on the other hand, have spent little time talking about such matters. We are reluctant to talk about things we are uncertain, so women should handle us with kid gloves when approaching such topics. We need to find our own ways of articulating our emotions just as women have. Otherwise we will only feel "bullied" and less inclined to listen. We all sometimes need a helping hand.

Although women should remember that despite a wealth of magazines and books talking about emotions and relationships (and some now for men – although most focus on sex) they all have contradictory information. There are very few absolutes in relationships. People have had different upbringings, lived different lives, have different abilities.

The person best qualified to make decisions about your relationship is the person who knows the most about it. Not friends or family, not magazines or newspapers, and not your stars or biorhythms, but you and your partner. It is your responsibility, no one else's. Of course you can talk to others to share your feelings so you don't feel alone, but talking to others to seek their advice can be a risky business – take any such gleamed information with a "pinch of salt".

Remember that people generally have a prevalence to take the easy route, sometimes not the right one. The better you become at making the right decisions in your life the happier you will be.

Relationships

One problem in relationships is that many men are not themselves. This may be for a number of reasons. They may think they are so lucky to be with their partner that simply being their boring-old-self is not sufficient to keep them. Or they may have made an extra effort at the beginning of the relationship which ended up defining the ongoing dynamics, making it difficult to change.

And no one likes being someone else for too long, in fact, its quite difficult; so the repercussions are more visits to the pub with friends and at worst, more bad-mouthing your partner behind their back.

Congruency is a very important factor in a relationship. It is the association between the attributes that define you. How you look, your actions, what you say. They all should be aligned. And people have a subconscious but inbuilt ability in validate this in others.

Your partner will subconsciously read these messages. And they will "feel" something as clearly as if you'd spoken it. You may say "I love you", but if your actions don't you'll only cause confusion in your partners head – something won't add up. And confusion all too often leads to arguments as they attempt to reconcile these incongruence's.

In fact, I once went on a leadership training course which lasted 6 months. I expected to be taught how to read body language, how to get people to do as I asked. But was surprised by the focus of the course, be yourself?

"Be myself", I thought. Why would anyone follow me? I'm not special.

That was when I realised that people follow people that are themselves. Obviously you should educate yourself to make appropriate decisions in your life, especially if people depend upon you. But you should always be yourself.

It's a tough challenge as most people are surrounded by people in the same predicament; all of whom exaggerate or distort situations because they too believe they can't be themselves.

There is obviously a small caveat with this. If you are frequently rude to people, this is not encouragement to continue that behaviour. So being yourself should be a choice you make which does not have negative repercussions to others. If anything, being honest about your life and your feelings often encourages others to follow. As a man, I find that honesty is best as long as it's not "needy". So share your thoughts but not to the extent of being a burden.

I've been in relationships where I wasn't myself and it wasn't great. I've been in relationships where I was myself, but my partner just didn't "get me". Should I have changed? Should she have changed? Depending on your circumstances the best option is for two people to be themselves with each other, and "get" each other.

If you are frequently getting shouted at or otherwise told-off and you don't know why – you've found someone who doesn't understand you. I was in this situation, I think it could have been related to the fact that I have a brother and sister; she was an only child; so the dynamics we where both used to were very different. My family never shuts up, and hers is far quieter.

So the right person is likely to have had a similar upbringing to you. You'd be surprised about the volume of ambiguities that come from a discussion between two people who have been brought up completely different. It's not irreconcilable, just requires more patience.

Be careful of the past

If you start a new relationship be careful of digging into someone's past. Everyone makes mistakes and tries to learn from them – but should you fill you heard with facts about someone's past you run the risk of dealing with situations based on the information you have discovered.

Break ups

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end", Ursula Le Guin

You feel crap. You can't eat. You just can't get rid of a rotten feeling in your stomach, a type of anticipation which feels like it will never end.

Sounds familiar? The odds are you've broken-up with someone you "fancied". Or to be a little more clinical, you've broken up with someone you wanted to have sex with.

In the past you have probably lost friends and although upsetting it doesn't come with quite as hard a punch as a relationship break-up.

But what is the point of feeling like this. Why do our bodies put us through such hardships when all we want is the feeling to go away?

It's worthwhile remembering the sections on population and evolution as they are going to be relevant here.

We feel what we feel because of the lives our ancestors lived many years ago. Because of the environment our bodies have been designed to occupy.

So let's look at likely scenario from years past. You live with a small group of people, say 30. The majority are women (Men get killed more frequently). Of those women only about 5 are of child-bearing age and one of those is your partner.

What do you think would happen if you broke up? What would be your chances of getting another "mate" from the 4 available? How many of the women would actually want to become your partner after you went out with their friend?

Nature wants you to reproduce. But in this scenario you're going to find it very hard. The consequence of this is a feeling of discomfort to encourage you to sort out the situation. And that is what you feel.

But today, the small group of 30 people is 200,000 people. If you get dumped you could find someone else tomorrow if you really wanted to. It is still a sad situation but the pain we endure by no means is in proportion to the difficulty to reproduce. Perhaps in thousands of years to come people will no longer feel the same pain?

How to make it better

• Don't rely on alcohol (or other drugs). It may feel like it helps at first but you are only delaying a worse feeling in the morning.
• If you do insist on drinking; delete your ex-partners phone numbers from your mobile – drunken messages will only make you paranoid when you remember what you said.
• Expect the healing process to take time. No matter what you do you're unlikely to shake the feeling quickly. In fact, the irony is that the more you think about trying to get rid of the feeling, the longer you are likely to feel it. Try and put it out of your head. And remember – we've all been there at times in our lives.
• Try not to feel angry. Feeding anger only perpetuates your emotions. Try to accept the situation. (this includes refraining from bad-mouthing them in the pub with your friends. If you do talk about it, remember that you are not showing your friends a video of the events, but an already interpreted version – so you are only likely to get agreement)
• Get used to doing things on your own; buy some good books, buy some new computer games. Your free time will always feel extensive at the beginning of a break-up, it's normal; you'll naturally fill it in time.
• Play uplifting music – not "I want to die" thrash metal (unless you find that uplifting!). Music is a very powerful mood changer. I know you probably don't want to. Don't be a slave to your emotions – do what you believe will cheer you up. Don't wallow in self-pity.
• Hide/store reminders because any reminder will now be painful.
• Be careful about talking to everyone and anyone. There is always a temptation to spend hours talking to every person you know about what you should do. Although it is nice to share your feelings so you don't feel alone, be careful about asking for advice – many people give advice without thinking too hard about your own particular circumstances, and you'll only cherry pick the suggestions that you want to do anyway (possibly the things you shouldn't do).
• Join a gym, go jogging, or go swimming. Exercise will make you feel better, It helps keep your mind off negative things, and keeps you healthy, and will make you look better. And don't worry about doing it on your own. You'll probably find that your emotions help you to perform a better work-out. So when you feel better about things you'll look great too.
• Get over your feelings before you start a new relationship. Commonly people jump straight into a new "comfort" relationship without realising that those first few months often define the on-going dynamics. Yes; it makes you feel better. But if you are not-you because of a break-up, then you may find it difficult to ever be-you in the new relationship if you start seeing them too quickly.
• Ensure you are eating properly because it's possible to get confused with the discomfort/pain of a breakup and that of hunger. Force yourself to eat something – when I've been there I've favoured a banana.
• Unless you are certain there is a misunderstanding, don't perpetuate the issue by attempting to "get back" with each other; it rarely leads to a successful relationship, and often ends up with you feeling like you wished you never tried.
• Remember it is normally the emotions that have decided a relationship isn't working, that the feelings aren't right. Unfortunately when discussing matters you are talking to the intellect which has little control over the emotions.
• When you wake up in the morning – GET OUT OF BED. This is prime "feeling sorry for yourself" time. Unless you're having a good dream, do something useful.
• Plan your weekends. Not around strategies for getting back with them. But meeting friends. Catching up with family. Reading. Going to the gym. Even better; try something you've never tried before. Widen your horizons.
• Keep your self-respect, don't grovel or beg (or spy). It often leads to further rejection which only makes it feel worse. In fact; it's tantamount to gambling. You end up putting more on the table, lose it, and then continue to play only to get back what you've just put down. Of course, the odds are never in your favour so the cycle continues until you end up with nothing. Not a good place to find yourself.
• Keep your mind on other things. The longer you don't think about it, the easier it is for your brain to start forgetting the painful stuff; in time you can look back and smile.
• If it's really bad, take a holiday.
• You have learned a lot as a result of your relationship; information which will make you better suited to the person you will eventually end up with. Experiences both good and bad are rungs of a ladder. The consequences of them help us make better decisions in future.
• And Remember. A failed relationship does not mean there is anything wrong with you. People are different. It isn't anyone's fault. There is a match for you out there – just enjoy the process of finding them.

Love

What the hell is it? This one has had me thinking for a very long time.

It is a word. It is applied to a lot of things. It's often used inappropriately.

It is applied to our pets, our friends, our family, and to our partner. But our feelings towards each of these groups is different.

But what does it actually mean. What should we feel when we use this word. How do we know we are in "love"?

The emotional, gut-feeling, side is driven partly by biological compatibility. Some scientific studies have concluded we can actual detect compatibility through the scent of the other person (natural scent, not their perfume).

So how do we find our ideal partner – our "soul mate"?

Everyone is different, but there are a few components that affect your choice of partners.

• Your parent's relationship
• The "biological" compatibility
• The intellectual compatibility
• Societies compatibility
• Loneliness

Your parent's

It is very important to make the right choice in relationships. If you make too many compromises your children will be confused about relationships. But why is this?

We have an inbuilt template for a relationship forged by our parents through the years we spent living with them. If you grow up to be exactly like your father, you'll probably find that your match is like your mother. This isn't nepotism. But you making a choice based on the information you have available. And your children will do the same.

If you make too many compromises it becomes increasingly difficult for your children to reconcile the choice of partner you made and why. They will end up feeling conflicted towards relationships – and possibly stay single longer, showing a degree of uncertainty about relationships.

If you are unlike your father; perhaps your life took you on another path, you may have left home at a young age, or you pushed yourself to overcome some character traits of your father. You are left in a bit of a predicament. Because the person you will naturally gravitate towards will not necessarily feel right.

Children, like anyone, learn through cause and effect. And the demonstration of love needs to be clear. If you are uncertain, your demonstrations of affections will be erratic, leaving any spectators of the relationship confused.

So how do you know? Well; if you find a large number of your friends are confused by your relationship, and you're not becoming a completely different person when their backs are turned, it's very likely that any children from your relationship will too be confused.

Biology

Ever got close to someone and suddenly felt very attracted to them? Unknowingly it is their scent that has triggered something. This is biology. You can't control it. Obviously perfumes can confuse this process a little. But in Mother Nature's terms, you're biologically compatible, or you're not.

Various scientific studies have concluded that biological compatibility is related to the product of you mating with a partner. We all have faults in our genes which can be exacerbated through reproducing with someone with the same faults. So our biology encourages us to minimise this risk by finding a mate who's "faults" don't match ours.

It's all in the nose.

Intellectual compatibility

Your partner may be gorgeous but can you be yourself with them? You may feel that you're lucky to have them but if they are right for you then you should be able to be you. A good relationship should be a meeting of minds, not just bodies. And you should find the way they think stimulating.

Intellectual compatibility should also make you happy. And remember that happiness is relative – in other words happiness at the beginning of a relationship may have been laughs every day, happiness may become a laugh once a month. People feel sad when they experience negative change, but their range of emotions changes to meet the maximums and minimums of their current situation. So when I say you should be happy, perhaps more accurately you should have some laughs but generally be content.

At the beginning of a relationship both partners make an effort; but people will eventually move towards being themselves. Your life should be better because of your partner. Your partner should try to understand you, and you them. It should be a two way process.

Remember that intellectual compatibility doesn't mean you both have got your Mensa membership. But they add a dimension to the things that you think about. Perhaps adding an angle you would have never considered. Their needs to be mutual respect.

There is another thing to consider here, your own personal development. You need to "find yourself" and know who you are. Many people change considerably right up to their thirties and beyond. They may seem the same outwardly. But their mind has changed. And the right partner when you are 18 may not be the right one when you are 30.

There is no hard and fast rule. The partner you find at 18 may be the right one. The only guidance I can offer here is what sort of person are you?

If you have aspirations of running your own business, want to travel to Africa to support aid workers, or otherwise plan on "changing your life" then it's important that your partner has a similar objective or understands yours, otherwise when your environment changes so will your mind, which can add pressure to a relationship.

At the end of the day you and your partner are a team. And it is both peoples responsibility to respect each other, show empathy and make the relationship fun.

Societies compatibility

Selfish as it sounds; people want other people to think more of them as a result of their choice of partner. You don't simply buy a car to drive from A to B. You get a particular one because you think it makes you look better. People crave status.

There are countless examples of societies "ideal women" changing over time. In the Victorian era voluptuous women were seen as the most beautiful, one reason why many paintings produced during this period depict such women. It is suggested that this is partly due to it demonstrating health (being well fed). The poor (and hungry) where the skinny ones.

In contrast look at today. It is the six foot tall skinny super models that are considered beautiful. And men strive to get one.

So society (partially through advertising) defines who is "beautiful" by suggesting we will be revered if we have one. Perhaps at times we feel that someone we are very fond of is not ideal because we are being subservient to the demands of society. Societies influence is often greatest when we are young and trying to fit it.

Of course if you find someone that has been beautiful all their life you may notice something else; they will probably be less developed in certain areas – they haven't had to try too hard because the people around them do the "trying". So an interesting paradigm can be that some very beautiful people can be a little dull.

At the end of the day its best to ignore the fickle, consumer driven, push from society. Big or thin, tall or short, find someone that makes you happy.

It is very unlikely you will be able to tick all the boxes and neither should you hope to. Remember the ideal person may be far from what you imagined – after all, there are a lot of influences on you which know nothing about you. So do what's right for you.

Loneliness

Not so much as being a dimension to affect a choice, but more about a chronological event which causes you to compromise.

I remember being in a relationship where I did many things with my partner, watched TV together, went shopping together, went to meet friends together. I didn't feel lonely; in fact at times I wanted my own space. But then I found myself with my own space. Of course, you often don't realise just how much space you receive when you are no longer in a relationship.

I found myself having to force myself to correctly contextualise my situation. One moment I thought "this is great, sitting here reading my book not a worry in the world" and I felt happy, then my mind played a little trick on me and without affecting my environment, changed the context of my situation "I'm here reading my book because I've nothing else to do", and I felt lonely. I had to struggle with myself to keep myself positive.

Those moments of inactivity allow the brain to wander. Brains like to think about problems so they can be fixed, frustratingly they don't like focusing on the reasons why you should be joyous, so it doesn't take long before you are contemplating your solitude which is often accompanied by a sizable portion of the "loneliness" emotion. It is peculiar how you can perform exactly the same action with a person sat next to you, a cat sat on your lap or a dog at your feet, and that feeling goes away! I can understand nature wanting us to be with other people, but why does a different species satisfy the requirement?

Cascading relationships

Young men (mid-thirties is also young in my book) often frequent the pub with friends, look and talk about women and sport, and make the occasional drunken effort at chat-ups. But when one in the group finds love it can cause a chain reaction. A fear that those left without partners will be looking alone without the support of their friends. Within months virtually everyone in the group has a partner.

These types of group relationships instigated by a "group leader" settling down often come unstuck when the "group leader" becomes single again. At which point the same effect occurs in the opposite direction – everyone becomes single.

The going-out dichotomy

Be careful about filling your time with attempting to find a mate. Many men, especially young men, spend a considerable amount of time out "on the pull". Although this can be a pleasurable pursuit it can lead to problems when you eventually find someone you like.

Simply ask yourself the question that if all the "pulling" activities were removed from your life-style, what would remain? And is the remaining sufficient to develop your new life-style when you meet the right partner?

Firstly lets remind ourselves that when the brain is bored it thinks of the things it wants to fix, potentially leading to feelings of paranoia or unhappiness.

In a life-style focused on finding a partner you will be left with very little to do when you do actually find your partner. If you happen to want to find someone who is independent and has their own life you may find that you do not.

If you haven't developed your own "non-pulling" interests, you may find yourself getting bored with too much time to think about what your partner is doing. Possibly damaging what may otherwise be a good relationship.

Try and encourage your friends to play a sport, pop round theirs for a coffee and a chat, join a club, get a new qualification, learn a new language…..the world has a lot to offer the person who is happy to accept it.

Emotional Rhythms

Monday's child is fair of face. Tuesday's child is full of grace. Wednesday's child is full of woe. Thursday's child has far to go. Friday's child is loving and giving. Saturday's child works hard for a living, But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.

Is there any truth to character traits assigned by the day you were born? Irrespective to birth-dates having an affect there definitely is a behavioural pattern, probably learnt through our own behaviour.

It is easy to accept that we have become accustomed to going to bed at a set time, waking up at a set time. If we forget to set our alarm our eyes still flicker open within minutes of our normal waking time. Our body adapts to patterns.

But are our patterns limited to daily cycles? I believe they can also be weekly. Many people socialise at weekends, back to work on Mondays and with this repetitive behaviour comes an emotional rhythm, beating synchronously with the passing days of the week.

Obviously boozy weekends have an adverse effect on this rhythm too. But without alcohol people often "feel" differently from day to day.

Tuesday seems to be the day where I feel unduly negative, and by Thursday I'm a different person. Perhaps all those years of binge drinking at weekends has left its mark? But knowing these patterns exist helps me moderate my responses to situations. It also helps me ignore feelings which otherwise I may act upon – only to regret when Thursday comes around.

Living

Life is like composing music; the masterpieces come from the mistakes.

"The whole life of man is but a point of time; let us enjoy it",Plutarch

Unfortunately society is currently fractured; I personally think advertising had a hand in this. Most advertising is a form of manipulation in an attempt to get you to spend your money. But the form of manipulation exploited is to make you feel you need to be "better" than your neighbour. And it only takes one person to accept that offer and it forces us all join-in for fear of exclusion, and the cycle continues. Everyone is forced to join a fictitious rat race.

The problem with this unrelenting messaging is it encourages people to feel life is about being "better" than others. If you feel "better" than others you're not likely to be too neighbourly, and if you feel "worse" you're not going to get much from those people that think they are better. It's a horrible paradigm.

But how else could hundreds of companies sell the same product? A pair of jeans is a pair of jeans. Companies refer to their image as a brand. Everyone has a brand – it is a marketing expression used to define how other people perceive the public personality of a company. A company with a good brand would be like the popular guy at school. People wanted to hang around with him. It's about making you feel good if you are in the club, and excluded if you aren't.

Of course all this is rubbish.

You actually have complete control over how "good" you are – and it's not about the jeans your wearing. It's about how you deal with relationships – not just sexual ones, but your friends, your neighbours, even strangers.

Life is about relationships. You cannot have a happy life on your own, even with a million pounds and a fast car. It is other people that make your life a good one. The more energy you spend on improving your relationships the happier you will be.

Likes and dislikes

Why do people choose to dislike something? "I don't like carrots", "I hate that band", "I hate jogging"…etc.

Having an opinion has become fashionable! And it's often the people that know the least that have the strongest.

Having an opinion is like saying "I know something about this subject" without actually knowing very much.

"That action is best which procures the greatest happiness of the greatest number", Francis Hutcheson

What I find weird is why people "choose" to dislike so much. And are happy to be opinionated about subjects they know very little about. Who actually suffers as a result of their dislikes? People that like to dislike simply make their lives more difficult.

So I would suggest take the things you don't like, the things that you have a choice whether to like or dislike, and try to like them.

I didn't really like sausages when I was young. I'm not entirely certain why. I just spent a lot of time saying "no, I don't like sausages". But over time I tried a little, then more, and now I'd send a good fry-up back to the kitchen if it didn't have a couple of pork sausages smiling up at me.

Obviously this is more than simply trying to like sausages but a strategy for enjoying life.

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.", Arthur Schopenhauer

Opinions are dangerous. Because they facilitate an expression of emotion, something people enjoy doing – especially with friends in a pub, people without an opinion adopt others. So people have a responsibility to ensure their opinions are well considered.

If people have a genuine interest in a subject they equally have a responsibility to form their own opinions. After all, we are in a democracy. Unfortunately politics is driven by opinions many of which have been poorly considered and often exaggerated by the media.

The more things you take pleasure from, the more pleasure you will experience. The happier you will be.

Making decisions

Everyone has a strategy for making decisions. Some "go with the flow", others go with their instincts.

"Difficult problems in life should not be avoided, but rather embraced", Stoic philosopher Epictetus

A decision is simply an action derived from the information you already know. It often has an emotional and intellectual component. In other words, it maybe something you know you should do, but something you don't actually want to! It is always best to do the thing you "should" do, as this is how people develop. The harder it is, the greater the sense of achievement whether you succeed or not, because the sensation of reward comes not from the fact you overcame the actual situation, but that you overcame your own reluctance.

Other times you are not able to intellectually decide the right option. If this is the case you can "guess", but the best strategy is determine what information may assist you in making the "right" decision. This may sound like a long process but the more information you use to validate your choices the easier and quicker you will be able to make the right choices in the future.

Life choices are incremental. In other words, they are rarely isolated, so although a small bad decision is just that, a number of small bad decisions often amount to a large problem. People often make compromises with the belief that its only a small thing. But one compromise often leads to another, and another, and before you know you are miles away from the place you would otherwise have been had you made the right decisions.

It is worth remembering that simply doing something about a situation is often better than nothing. Imagine you are stuck in a traffic jam with nothing moving, a frustrating experience. But you decide to take the small road to the right; you have no idea where it goes, but just "going" feels better than not, even if it takes you longer to arrive at your destination. So indecision can be more frustrating than making the wrong decision.

Many decisions also have an emotional component and there are a lot of things that can occur in your life that have an impact on your emotions which, in turn, will have an impact on your ability to make sound decisions.

"That action is best which procures the greatest happiness of the greatest number", Francis Hutcheson

Health warning: Alcohol. Alcohol (and other drugs) effect you emotions, in fact alcohol in particular suppresses your emotions (and therefore your ability to make sound decisions) which is often why people foolishly rely on it to deal with uncomfortable emotional situations. But the body doesn't like substances affecting its balance so it fights back. It does this by exaggerating your emotions in an attempt to provide you with the ability to make good decisions.

But as the alcohol ebbs away (about 1 unit per hour) there is a lag in your body's ability to reduce your now exaggerated emotions so people often feel a heightened sense of emotions the following day. This can lead to some volatile situations.

If you recognise this in yourself (or simply know that you had quite a lot to drink the night before) it is best to delay making important decisions and try to avoid thinking about depressing subjects as they will probably provoke feelings which far out-weigh the subject matter; for instance feelings of paranoia and depression which will all feel very foolish in a few days time. Watch a good video, read a good book, or go for a walk.

Don't watch a scary film. I watched "the exorcism of Emily Rose" with a particularly bad hang-over and therefore, heightened emotions. Part of the film is about the "witching hour", said to be a particular time in the morning when all the bad things happen.

I've seen plenty of horror films without batting an eye-lid. But my hang-over gracefully lifted my mental barrier and allowed the film to get under my skin. Sure enough that night I awoke at the "witching hour", and while I lay in bed with an un-rationale feeling of fear, the foxes happened to be searching for a mates outside. If you haven't heard foxes mating – it sounds like people screaming.

My new rule – don't watch a scary film on a hang-over.

Presenting

Ready to stand up in front of hundreds of people and perform a presentation! Scary-stuff. Or walk up to that amazing women and ask her out!

"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm", Winston Churchill

These are difficult because they could cause you to lose status (in other words, make you look silly). The irony is the thing that often causes us to fail is our own nerves. Stand in front of a mirror and you'll find the presentation goes a lot better.

People are often unaware of the emotional stream of information being continually assessed as you talk with people. You are aware of their mood. You are gauging their level of interest. And all of this information goes into making subsequent subconscious decisions as you continue the discussion.

But present in front of a large group, probably about seven or more people, and you will feel a peculiar sensation. Both people withhold their emotions; at least at the beginning of any group session and the group is too large for you to gauge the emotions of anyone in particular.

This prevents you receiving any "emotional information". And can feel a little discomforting. The "rhythm" that allows you to hold a sensible conversation with an individual or small group has gone. The best way of overcoming this sensation is practise. As with any new experience; you need to become accustomed to thinking clearly deprived of the emotional stimulate you've probably taken for granted.

You can practise this by presenting in front of someone but try not to look at them. Deprive yourself of this emotional rhythm; and see if you can cover your topic.

Friends

Don't try and change other people's behaviours. They have decided to do what they do. The best way of changing someone's behaviour if you know it is in their best interests to do so, is to provide them information which will help them make a better decision.

Simply telling someone they are stupid, or that they cannot do something provides no justification to them. And it's likely to cause them to look for hypocritical scenarios.

Behavioural changes have to come from themselves.

Our purpose

"Never forget that life can only be nobly inspired and rightly lived if you take it bravely and gallantly, as a splendid adventure in which you are setting out into an unknown country, to face many a danger, to meet many a joy, to find many a comrade, to win and lose many a battle", Annie Besant

Here is a big question debated the world over. The simple answer is "who knows", and what's wrong with not knowing?

Do people climb mountains to find out what's at the top? No – they climb mountains because they want to climb a mountain.

Can we not live without wondering what is the objective, what we may find at the end of the journey?

The only thing we can control in our lives is us. So our purpose is to have good relationships with others and strive to understand our world. And who knows what will come from that.

Getting your own way

Everyone wants to get their own way. Many employ a range of strategies to achieve this. But there should be only one.

People prefer feeling good over bad.

Simply make sure someone feels good. Easy!

People want to feel proud of their achievements. Telling someone to do something denies them of the satisfaction that they chose to do it. And criticising someone will often lead them to feel "why do I bother". Not a very healthy outcome for either person.

Criticism is a very dangerous tool; and it often wielded without due care. Criticism often makes people feel bad. Empathy, a suggestion of how you may have performed something in the past makes people feel good because they feel included. Both are strategies to achieve something, I know which one I would prefer.

Careers

"When a person acts in accordance with his nature and realizes his full potential, he will do good and be content." Aristotle.

Life quickly becomes a narrative. Does your career path allow you to "tell a good story"? Often as the years go by it becomes irrelevant whether or not you where particularly successful in a particular job but the fact you did it will help support the person you've become. If you give the impression of status; it will be assumed that your past was successful despite it potentially being a house-of-cards.

Many people look back over their career and don't acknowledge the opportunistic approach they and the majority take to career progression. Moving when they are unhappy, when they get fired or when they get offered more money. But place a story, a context, around their past to make their path a deliberate, well considered journey which, as planned, brought them to this very stage of their career, makes others envious of the visionary approach and demands their respect.

So what can we learn from this inevitability. People crave status. But look at your past and your future. Although more honesty in the world would be good, if many people play by different rules it forces the rest of us to join in.

Don't be afraid of change. You may feel you are unafraid of any man, but fear of the unknown is within us all. The anticipation we feel before entering a pitch black cave is only equalled by the sense of achievement we receive once it's explored.

So as many of the famous philosophers have said; you will only be truly happy striving towards your potential. Which may be doing the same thing day in, day out, but for many of us it is not a journey which we should expect to end. And is it really that difficult? It is your own self-confidence that defines the walls and restrictions.

Having employed a number of people I've learnt that 20-30% of a job is the technical understanding, something many people can learn with the right training, but the rest is aptitude and your ability to work with other people. If you are a well-liked individual then the world can be your oyster. If you are not well liked then you should be considering why this is – it probably comes down to self-confidence. Either way, you shouldn't see anything beyond your reach, depends on how much you want it.

Arguments

The first thing to consider when presented with an argument is that it is nearly always purely an expression of emotion. It's best to not take the actual content too personally.

In relationships it mostly comes down to one person feeling there is inequality, or incongruence in what you say and what you do? A good example of someone "feeling" something and searching for an intellectual rationale, which both sexes often get wrong.

For instance if your partner starts listing all the things they've done for you they are simply feeling underappreciated and a hug will probably defuse the situation. Don't respond with all the things you've done for them.

At the end of the day arguments very rarely end with one person saying "oh yes, your right – sorry".

You need to be careful of being sucked into arguments. And if you are, be careful about how you respond. If you respond with positive sentiments to the other person; "but you know how much I love you", for instance. You are affectively encouraging your partner to provoke an argument if they want you to comfirm your feelings. In other words, you will end up having more arguments in relation to their level of security in the relationship.

People associate their own actions with the repercussions. Ever since we were young and burnt your finger touching something hot you stopped touching it. If your response to a provocative situation is positive, you will be encouraging that situation, if it's negative you discourage it.

What is far more productive is to try and understand the root cause of arguments. It's not easy because they are rarely about the actual content. They are emotionally fuelled. But successfully addressing the actual issue is the signs of a strong relationship.

An argument should simply be a flare, a sign to denote one person feels unhappy. You should work as a team to understand where the problem resides and how to address it.

Main points

• Arguments are mostly an expression of someone's feelings.
• The argumenter has probably attempted to guess what it is they are angry about; often getting it wrong.
• Responding to an argument with an argument rarely resolves a situation.
• Many arguments between couples are about a feeling of inequality, or insecurity. Sincere hugs can defuse many.
• Never take an argument to a point of separation. This leaves no where for an argument to go and will make at least one person feel very insecure.

Be careful about responding in a way which encourages inappropriate behaviour. People learn by the repercussions of their actions. So be careful of using the "hug" point too often.

Evolution

"Nature does nothing in vain" Aristotle.

Let's start at the beginning. To understand who we are we need to look back. And surprisingly; not too far.

Many species are driven by their emotions; hunger, reproduction and survival to name a few. But humans have developed something unusual. We have become aware of our emotions, we can think about how we feel. We are aware of our feelings. And the irony of the situation; our emotions don't talk to our intellect. So we often are uncertain where our emotional responses originate.

Clearly if someone pinches you, your brain knows where the pain originated. If someone shouts at you, your ears pinpoint the sound source with a great degree of accuracy. But some days you are sitting on a bus and you "feel" depressed and you just can't figure out where that feeling came from!

Mother Nature has a simple strategy which she ingrains on us all. Survive.

Mainly survival as a species, but obviously to achieve this we need to survive as individuals – but only for as long as we are useful in this pursuit.

To survive a changing environment we adapt, our genes make this possible, this has been reasonable effective in the past; especially when you consider historically environments and social structures change very slowly; over many thousands of years.

Our life-spans are relatively short to enable our genes to change. If we lived longer; the adaptation process would take longer as changes in our genes occur when we reproduce and there is a correlation with life-expectancy and birth-rates.

As a result we, as a species, we have been pretty much the same for thousands of years.

It's probably worth while considering how "young" we are as a species. It always amazes me the issues we are currently struggling to resolve; hunger, poverty, poor education, inequality, sexism, racism, ageism and many more. Even in my life-time we've seen widespread acceptance of women as equals, the acceptance of homosexuality. And a better understanding towards people who are different.

It seems farcical that these issues ever existed. We have computers, we are advanced? How can these issues exist? Some problems feel more akin to children fighting at school. And yet in many parts of the world continuing issues exacerbated by people that should know better. But improvements are being made, and while these exceed decline the world should become a better place. (fingers crossed)

Main points

• We are driven by emotions often post-rationalising our emotionally driven actions.
• Emotions and intellect are not connected. You can't directly control your emotions (i.e. why not try to feel angry or loved, you may find yourself trying to imagine a scenario which will provoke an emotion but you can't directly make yourself feel it).

Religion

There are over 6 billion people on the planet - but why are the majority of them religious? Where has religion come from? Was there a point in our past when we were not religious?

Religion is a fascinating topic and certainly has a wealth of history. Most of us are religious often following in our parents religious beliefs.

There about two dozen major religions being practised around the globe. And each follower believes their religion is “the one”. Obviously most people know very little about other religions; an often little about their own. But having been brought up in a pre-defined belief system which often suggests dire consequences for considering an alternative, people follow suit.

I want to consider where religion may have come from, and why we need it.

There are two points which will form the foundation of this supposition.

1. Firstly, the historical mortality rates; as recent as a hundred years ago the average human life-span in the western world was around 35 years old! It’s quite shocking – that means that I would be in my golden years. This also means my parents would have passed away during my teens or early 20’s.
2. Secondly, many of us grew up in a nuclear family, nothing to do with radioactivity but a unit consisting of a Mum and a Dad. This has been the case for many, many, thousands of years.

Our parents looked after us, fed us, protected us, and helped us with the various challenges life threw at us. When we hurt ourselves we would call out to them, knowing they would make everything better.

Unfortunately no one lives forever; most of us will find ourselves, at a point in our lives, where our parents are no longer with us leaving us to fend for ourselves.

With the absence of our parents, we need to fill the void, ideally with someone/something that we can talk to when we are down, call out to when we need help; someone that loves us unequivocally, and someone who knows who we really are.

And the more fleeting the time with our parents (as is the case for people 100’s of years ago), the greater the need to fill the gap. The world seems far scarier to a younger mind.

So, perhaps, religion represents our surrogate parents? Providing us with a “virtual” family unit within which we can “feel” the same as we did? Perhaps it is this reason why people protect their religion so vigorously. After all, it is natural to protect your family.