Arguments

The first thing to consider when presented with an argument is that it is nearly always purely an expression of emotion. It's best to not take the actual content too personally.

In relationships it mostly comes down to one person feeling there is inequality, or incongruence in what you say and what you do? A good example of someone "feeling" something and searching for an intellectual rationale, which both sexes often get wrong.

For instance if your partner starts listing all the things they've done for you they are simply feeling underappreciated and a hug will probably defuse the situation. Don't respond with all the things you've done for them.

At the end of the day arguments very rarely end with one person saying "oh yes, your right – sorry".

You need to be careful of being sucked into arguments. And if you are, be careful about how you respond. If you respond with positive sentiments to the other person; "but you know how much I love you", for instance. You are affectively encouraging your partner to provoke an argument if they want you to comfirm your feelings. In other words, you will end up having more arguments in relation to their level of security in the relationship.

People associate their own actions with the repercussions. Ever since we were young and burnt your finger touching something hot you stopped touching it. If your response to a provocative situation is positive, you will be encouraging that situation, if it's negative you discourage it.

What is far more productive is to try and understand the root cause of arguments. It's not easy because they are rarely about the actual content. They are emotionally fuelled. But successfully addressing the actual issue is the signs of a strong relationship.

An argument should simply be a flare, a sign to denote one person feels unhappy. You should work as a team to understand where the problem resides and how to address it.

Main points

• Arguments are mostly an expression of someone's feelings.
• The argumenter has probably attempted to guess what it is they are angry about; often getting it wrong.
• Responding to an argument with an argument rarely resolves a situation.
• Many arguments between couples are about a feeling of inequality, or insecurity. Sincere hugs can defuse many.
• Never take an argument to a point of separation. This leaves no where for an argument to go and will make at least one person feel very insecure.

Be careful about responding in a way which encourages inappropriate behaviour. People learn by the repercussions of their actions. So be careful of using the "hug" point too often.